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NBA Referee Hotline Bling: DeMarcus Cousins explores sign language
DeMarcus Cousins again has phoned into our Hotling Bling call center.  Sergio Estrada-USA TODAY Sports

NBA Referee Hotline Bling: DeMarcus Cousins explores sign language

The new Collective Bargaining Agreement includes a provision that creates a hotline, where players can call to complain about the work of NBA referees. They can critique foul calls, deliver apologies, and speak their minds about the officials however they see fit. It’s like the phone lines your congressman has for their constituents, though the messages are about hand-checks, not checks and balances. Each week, we’ll present a look at the hotline’s responses, which are about as real as the Suns’ playoff chances. We know when that hotline blings, that can only mean one thing: an NBA superstar is about to deliver a monologue that ends with a sweaty headband getting thrown across the room.

Re: DeMarcus Cousins vs. the Warriors

Dear Mr. Cousins,

Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to contact us. Well, not that busy, since you got a one-game suspension for getting your 16th technical foul. But you asked about the fine you received for your double-middle-finger salute to the Warriors this week, and we are happy to clarify the league’s policy.

One middle finger is $15,000. Each additional finger is $10K more. In game played in the United Kingdom or Australia, flashing two fingers is a $15K fine, unless a player can clearly prove that they were making a peace sign. Proof includes patchouli oil in a locker or a ticket stub from a Phish concert.

A throat slash gesture is $25K. Slashing an actual throat is at least a flagrant-2 and an ejection, with the rest of the punishment left to the local attorney general’s discretion. Slashing a referee’s tires is $50K, plus the cost of the replacement tires and the referee’s Lyft fare from the arena.

A choke sign is $5k. Choking someone else is $15K. Choking up on a bat is a smart move with two strikes and a runner on base.

Doing the Sam Cassell “big balls” dance is a $15K fine. Punching someone in the balls is $25K, and in the playoffs, you forfeit a 3-1 lead. Nut punching is OK if you’re Chris Paul, in which case it’s just good clean basketball.

Three-point goggles, throwing up the diamond, the Aaron Rodgers double-check move, Mutombo-style finger wags, the hand jive, and the shadow thing with your hand so it looks like a barking dog are all legal.

Hope this clears things up. Enjoy your day off!

Sincerely yours. NBA Referee Hotline 

Steve Kerr vs. referees, common decency

Dear Mr. Kerr,

We appreciate your call and heartfelt apology for your outburst. We understand that when the pressure gets high, it’s easy to blow your top. Or a 3-1 lead. Believe me, it’s not the worst meltdown we’ve seen from you and your team in the last eight months.

Next time, we would urge you to think about your word choices and the consequences of your behavior. Perhaps try, “Screw you!” instead of using an expletive. Don’t use profanity toward the officials, and never say that your team is “light years ahead” of your competition. Remember, if you get ejected from the game, the coaching responsibility falls to MIKE BROWN! That’s no way to help your team win against LeBron! Unless you can convince Cleveland to hire him for a third time.

No more Kerrfuffles, Steve!

Sternly yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Re: Matt Barnes vs. Bulls coach Jim Boylen

Dear Mr. Barnes,

We’ve received your explanations of why you shoved Chicago Bulls assistant coach Jim Boylen, and we don’t feel that any of these stories hold up. To review, Taj Gibson of the Bulls received a technical, and confronted the referee. Coach Boylen stepped in, and then you and Mr. Cousins inexplicably also ran at the referee. Then you both shoved the coach.

After looking at the tape, it was clear that Jim Boylen was not looking at your ex-wife. Even if he was, that’s no excuse for violence! You two broke up! And while the Golden 1 Center does serve alcohol, it is quite a stretch to call this “an ordinary bar fight.”

Also stop getting into bar fights, Mr. Barnes!

The tape also shows no evidence that Coach Boylen:

  • Used profanity
  • Blew up your spot with Rihanna.
  • Said Roseville was “way better than Sacramento.”
  • Convinced you to get a neck tattoo.
  • Or “submarined” your rap career.

Mr. Barnes, perhaps you and Mr. Cousins could get your aggressions out off the court. Perhaps in a paint ball arena, or a video arcade. But not a nightclub! Please, not a nightclub.

Pleadingly yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Re: Alexander Hamilpup & The Puppy Bowl

Dear Mr. Hamilpup,

We appreciate your owner’s call on your behalf, but this hotline is really only designed for pro basketball. However, we did get sucked in and reviewed the tape. Here’s what we found.

There were at least seven different uncalled Ruffing the Passer violations, five on Team Fluff and two on Team Ruff. There was a false start on nearly every play, though we would like to commend you and Panda for doing an excellent job of staying. Good boy. You’re such a good boy!

Precious, the pit bull terrier, should have been flagged for two different illegal dog collar tackles. Nikita, the cocker spaniel/bichon friese mix did experience some clipping, but that was only to keep her fur out of her yes and is thus not a penalty.

As per your other question, there is nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can’t play basketball, so there’s nothing to stop Alexander Hamilpup from trying out for the Brooklyn Nets. They could use his intensity – recently their defense has rolled over and played dead. Now who’s the cutest dog in the world? You are!

Pantingly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Last week on NBA Hotline Bling, Enes Kanter punches in the numbers

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